I am a thief ...

Oh not of anything interesting.  No, I don't have the missing millions from Iraq, or the paintings from the Gardiner Museum.  I don't even have a real grasp on where Rick Perry's brain cell went to die.  


But, a thief I am nonetheless. 


Emotions, phrases, experiences, trials, tribulations.  All of these I steal from those I know and encounter.  Not to take them away - but to stash them into this little box of "fodder", to be mulled over in quiet times.  Perhaps to include in a story or an idea, that moment of triumph that spurs on a coincidental fearless jolt of energy within me.  


See, I am a writer. Sure, at the moment I am using the word, unadorned and perhaps a bit softer than the other I am's that I could announce.  


But, despite it's being smaller, and somehow "less" it is none of those in import or investment from my perspective.  


As I come to grips with using that as one of the many labels that I can whip out at any moment to give a small descriptive of "who I am"; I also have learned that thief is possibly the one thing that best fits that new me, as it can fit any who have been "writers" before or since. 


The sum total of everything I read, hear, see and do is also somehow, somewhere informing the words I put down here that you, hopefully, read.  And, when something seems familiar, a turn of phrase or the outlines of a situation you encountered you will look back and realize that writers of fiction and fancy are, 
above all, 
thieves. 

Stepping from ennui

It is a curious facet of this thing, this drive to write.  Ennui does raise it's ugly head far more often than it should.  Ennui.  Great word.  That 'meh' feeling with everything.  Funny that it is only a 'meh' feeling with writing.  Writing something worth committing to paper.  Writing something that makes me understand better the compulsion to put it on paper.  For it is a compulsion for me sometimes I think.  There are multiple times a day I think 'that would be good to write one'.  Mull it over for some time, create a line that encapsulates the feeling.  


But then comes the time to commit.  To take that thought and run with it.  Not a huge fan of the 'edit' or the prewrite - often my first step in dancing with a topic is to open the "Create a Post' window and tap away at the keys.  More often than not, of late, the window was just as quickly closed for lack of interest after a few paragraphs were tapped out. 


Tapped out.  That is exactly how it's felt of late.  No interest.  No real sense of purpose. Putting it all down and out there feels so self pitying and attention seeking.  But - it's real. It's there.  That who cares and why should they. 


Then I realized.  The who, well - it has to be me.  That if I want to make something of an idea, that the process, the thought, the writing, the taking the step is what is really the important bit. 
The rest will come. Or maybe it won't.  But, I'll never know if I don't take that step...


Away from Ennui

Can I please complete a thought?

Yeah.  That's a real problem.  Over at the other space - everyone is rehashing their justifications, pointing fingers and well ... enjoying their not being in the spotlight.  Truth for all of them seems to be a malleable concept.  As long as their "truth" is not in the spotlight - or bits are uncovered that conflict with their portrayal of self ... they are silent.  Or behind the scenes gleefully rubbing hands and cackling.  


What's the most interesting part of all of this is the idea of persona.  We all have to agree and recognize that we are only portraying and sharing a part of the essential who we are in our writing.  That as true to ourselves we try to be, and as descriptive and concise with the words we choose - everyone, literally every person who reads this has a different opinion of who I am. 

Some are quite close to who I actually am - but, my dirty secret is that I am ( and always have been ) far more focused and well-spoken in the written word than in person.  Sure - there is editing, but I don't use it that often.  I like the shape and the flow of words in the written form, that connection and focus of just getting the thought out there, without interruption, that allow me to stay focused and optimize my time.  In person, I am quite quiet, and oh so easily distracted, one thought leads to another - or I can pick up a word and have a whole parallel and completely unconnected series of thoughts, words and sentences about that.  So the written me is the 'best' version of the spoken me - the thoughts are the same - just better organized. 


It's this dichotomy that has led me to toss away more ideas than I have kept. Or to stall out midway through the idea, and since I am one who doesn't often spend time writing before I log into my blog and write - I have to have my idea pretty well flushed out and thought through before tapping away to the keyboard. 


So - take this as a small placeholder as an "I am thinking" and will have something worth writing about soon.  


I hope. 


Perhaps when my muse returns from her world tour. 

It's a trend ... or something REALLY important

I say that as if I were the arbiter of 'importance'.  But really - just how many times does the average rational thoughtful human being need to see the same behaviours repeated almost 'to the template' by a group of others before they speak out? 

Today I hit my "critical mass".  One more time was once too often.  See - there are a group of 'self appointed' masters of the other space I blog at.  Funny - on a sex site one would only expect to see master in terms of the dom / sub relationship.  But not here.  These twits are helpfully providing their superior popular half baked opinions on who one should interact with, how one should interact, what you should write on, and *gasp* all you needed to know ( including personal information ) about the 'people' out there.  

The old  .. I know better and the 'whole story' so trust me - coming from someone that you only 'know' from the internet.  Really?  Umm .. can anyone say school days lunchroom anyone?

See - the joy of a site like that is the persona you can create to show the better parts of yourself, or a side that isn't exactly 'ready for primetime television'.  But - there are more who actually are just being themselves - learning from the interactions and discovering a place where you can get advice and be heard.  It strokes that little place we all have that needs stroking and you know what?  It feels GOOD.  Yes - I said it .. it feels GOOD when people appreciate what you think and how you express it.  

But - to every silver lining - there is a cloud - that thick miasma of agenda and jealousy and liars and control.  And they are omnipresent.  They even can, and do, ruin the whole tone and tenor of a space if left to run rampant.  Mud ALL over the place.  And - you could be next.  Because - they can.  If someone doesn't speak up and say - ENOUGH. 

Today I spoke.  Not because I particularly care about any in the game.  I don't.  I just find it completely ironic that the same ones who said it all would be done when they dethroned the 'former queen' are now hot and heavy again.  And the targets - the same - dredging up the old stuff - and throwing in some new for obfuscation.  Just because they are not exactly repeating the story - just adding details.  

I'm tired of being one of those on the sidelines - or one of the 'collateral damage' victims.  Thinking that I haven't a need to speak out is akin to watching the neighbours rousted out of their house at 3 am in 1939 Berlin.  Just because you aren't on that list today -- you could be tomorrow.   There is much being said about kids who are bullied today - and I bring you the genesis .. 

Those who are old enough to be their parents, may be their parents - and should know better.  Wasn't it Christ who said "Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!" ?   

Yeah.  I thought so.

Yeah yeah yeah ...

It's a curious phenomenon for me - I have literally tons to speak on- yet I can't find the thread that makes things actually feel right.  Perhaps this is all somehow woven into the overwhelming cat with cream on it's whiskers that is exactly HOW I feel right now. 

Things are good - no - better than good.  Solid and settled in this relationship at home.  Not in the "oh it's you again" thing, but in that reveling in the enjoyment of each other.  Laughing at bad and slightly ok WHOLLY tasteless comments, listening to him sing, and just being.   Stupid people don't interfere much in those days.  Not really participating in much reading at the other space.  I see some 'highlighted' and have an automatic list in my head that gives me possible 'options' for their posts. 

Oh - and the 'queen' gave up her crown.  **pausing to hand out the airsick bags**  Another pathetic ploy to remain relevant while denying all culpability for the fact that she just isn't a very nice or worthwhile human being.  OK - perhaps harsh.  But - that's me.  I'm not alone in my thinking. 

So - this is little more than a placeholder - there will be more - as I find the words.  Perhaps I just put up a stream of 'thought bubbles' ...   Oh wait.  That is just what this was 

I've been joking

That my muse went off to Euro Disney and didn't even send back a pair of ears. 

I just haven't had the yen to post.  Comment, sure.  But the overall tenor and tone at the other place has made me rather *meh* on the whole process.  I do that far too often .. let the overwhelming attitude of a few miscreants ruin my space..or hamper my desire. 

And well, there isn't alot of interesting stuff happening there.  Sure - there are those I like to interact with, but the majority are in the same August doldrums that hit me like a semi rushing downhill with no brakes. 

Yesterday I actually had the desire to write- to share.  And, of course, my internet and phone and connections all went poofy.  Some node issue.  Fortunately - I am an NPR addict - and love podcasts .. so I had the Apple TV with podcasts loaded and ready for a listen.  So I did.

I discovered the real joy in listening to ideas and learning new approaches.  I learned that there are people who can clearly define an idea that is truly complex, but make it attainable.  I found links to blogs and books and information that I, the true information junkie, had never before seen or explored. 

And - I found out that my inherent distaste for some in the 'public forum' is far less based on my thinking they are idiots, but really do have a root that is tangible and logical. 

And - I know that listening to more podcasts on a near daily basis will become part of my regular routine....

The life of an idea ....

*again, taking from the other site, but a universal .. my apologies to those of you who are getting both**

Or, How I choose what to write on.

Read my blog and know one thing, it is very rare that I expand on ideas that I cannot find some way of making them 'relate' to a bigger picture. The best topics are ones where I can bring a different spin on ideas that everyone has some frame of reference on, or can see how I make connections from idea to post to a conclusion.

At any given day, I can toss off ideas into a file that functions as a "seed storage" for the patches in this garden: see the previous post to find the original analogy.

I then work through my emotions about the issues, because writing without passion or emotion is like writing a technical manual: as nitpicky and plodding to do as to read. Once I have settled my feelings about the idea, I then go to the logic. Finding my examples, drawing my conclusions. Even researching for facts and quotes.

All of this happens while I am mentally composing the post, it's look, it's tone, it's need for facts and examples.

Then, I open the "Add A Post" tab, and write. Editing as I go. Adding in quotes and facts as they fit when my writing starts to take shape. And yes, it is rare, exceedingly rare, that I write a post in word, edit and revise, then post. Most of what you read here is written in minutes, despite the hours I may spend researching.

Then, I hit "post" and read the finished product. Make any corrections needed, and then make a copy for my personal archive.

When I choose a topic, I really don't look to add to the "why's" that have no answer. I rarely write on things that I can't find some logical connection between act and intention, or some guidepost that actually gives hints as to why something is happening, or did happen. Perhaps there are patterns that foreshadowed a conclusion I have recently made, or a question that I have thought about yet still haven't reached a real decision and the unease about the "not knowing" the possible reasons why has me sitting at the keyboard.

It's all a process. And, it's my space so I write what moves me. What I can relate to, and bring my own individual sense and spin to.

And while, I am acutely aware that what I choose to focus on for a post may not hit your requirements of "topical" or "important"..it's all apples and pears to me. Because it is ONE of the myriad of seeds I can put in this garden, it just happened to be ready to sprout.

Thoughts on a Garden

**please note .. this is most of a post that I had at the other space, and think it is relevant to all blogs**

A friend of mine in the blogs, once made a comment about blogs being like your garden.  Requiring careful tending and attention to flourish and bear fruit.

I'm taking the seed of the idea one step further. Because it was an idea that spoke to me in a near perfect analogy of the styles one can encounter with a touch of perseverance and patience.

There are those who are purely ornamental, full of flowery nothingness but contributing to the visual.
The grassy plains - solid, nurturing, feeding the need for information and understanding, basic things but so integral to a well-ordered experience. 

Maze gardens, full of twists and turns that make little sense but always bring you back to the writer when they don't lose your interest with the layers of detail. 

Small kitchen gardens - spice and herb and beauty intermingled to give succor, zip and pleasure. 

Landscaped lawn decoration - a tough rigidly planted and limited in scope - they are unique only for the colours that compliment or contrast to the more wildly exotics. 

Wildflower gardens: less a structured garden but a wild profusion of flowers and butterflies. Open and free allowing nettles to grow as openly and honestly as violets.

English gardens, of the stately homes. Multiple layers and thoughts leading from one to another, encompassing all that one sees, ornamental flowers and shrubs, topiaries, mazes and wildly profuse colours and groupings all set to a theme.

Every blogger has a garden, that needs careful tending where comments and readers serve as fertilizer. Each writer here has the ability to build a garden that pleases them, and helps them to randomly or precisely set forth a path. If you look at your self and memories and reactions as the foundation of you - a house as it were, the garden is the space in which you both invite others in and use as a "testing ground" for new ideas, experimental thoughts and reactions, a place to nurture the seeds of growth and thought. Bring them to flower or just discard them when they aren't fitting in the overall scheme of the seeds you are planting for the results you wish to see.

Some days, it does pay for you to look carefully at your garden...

Why here. Why now. Why?

I could just say that I wanted to blog - that's true.  And I could say that the time was right .. also truth.  The realities of the situation go far deeper.  This is not my first ride at the rodeo, at least where blogging is concerned.  I was on a wonderful site for nearly 5 years, until some corporate yo yo noticed just how wonderful a place it was, bought it, and destroyed the things that made it so good.  So I was blog-less for a while, and opted to other interactive forums for an outlet.


After some dithering about with sites, I ended up stumbling upon a sex site, that offered many different things.  But although I read some blogs, I really wasn't partaking of the offerings there.  What I did find there was a group of people that were in my area who were fun, offbeat, and friendly.  The sex, for most, was an individual thing - and the interactions with people they wouldn't otherwise encounter was the best thing.  It was through that site, and chattering in different areas of the country, and even the world that I started to communicate with A.  Everywhere else I refer to him as the Love Muffin, so LM will do.  

Time came that the relationship for the two of us was more important than any life I was recreating up north, with my daughter in University and spending most of her time either at her school or traveling about the world visiting friends and relatives, the house being sold, and well - work is something I can do anywhere .. I moved.  Still is, was and will forever be the best opportunity taken where that site was concerned.  So - here I am in Atlanta, and rediscover the blogs at this sex site.  Because I have always been one who appreciates what someone thinks, how they think, and how they express themselves far more than any other trait.  About 2 years ago - I started a blog there. 

And I learned.  Much.  My writing improved. There was amazing skill and talent exhibited in many of the bloggers there.  There were topics that went from topical to fantasy to simple jokes to highly personal and often tragic revelations.  Heart warming and heart wrenching stories of personal triumph and tragedy.  And interaction.  Most of what I saw was positive: people finding a commonality and bonding with that, answering questions from perspectives of "having been there".  Then, the ugly side of people, or some people, started to show through the butterflies and flowers.  I don't know how many of you are True Blood watchers, but the point where Sookie sees beneath the faerie exterior to the ugly 'what lies beneath' was as shocking for her character as it was for me.

Because, essentially, some of the things I saw happening, things that were cheered on like Romans watching gladiators waiting for the killing blow was so far beyond anything I could comprehend doing to someone, it was as if I was watching some bad telenovela. 
And, it's not because I haven't dealt with the seedy underside of human nature, but to see it so focused and concentrated, and so relentless was shocking.  And caused me to retreat. Because being associated with that sort of behaviour, because you CAN cause people hurt is just not something I was comfortable with. It's not that I avoided it, some I stepped into not knowing all the sides, others I was dragged into ..but knowingly behaving like a spoiled 12 year old girl who is being challenged for the seat at the popular table, when the school owns all the chairs is really not my thing. 

So - that behavior does ebb and flow, pockets of it never cease, but it's easy to avoid pockets.  Sadly though - the miasma of who was worth trust, belief or even a read rather sucked the fun out better than a dyson. So - I set up house here, different, exponentially more functional. No real concerns about some halfwitted reviewer changing words, eliminating words, removing content, or (my personal favourite ) reporting you for abuse since you talk to xyz and they don't like x so you must believe everything x does and you speak for x.  Yes. It does get that childish. 

But it also does show some of the best things. The people that are admirable for the trials they have endured, those who will make you laugh out loud with a new spin on the word idiot, the interaction and play you can have with the responses and comments.  The few good do outweigh the few bad, but like all things - there may be a time where that space isn't comfortable for me to be me anymore.  It's happened to several, people who have moved over to write here - sharing with a select group the spaces where interaction is appreciated and, because of the history at the other space - comfortable. 
I won't let the few overrun what I do anywhere - especially not at the other blogging space ..but I think that is more an apartment where this is feeling more like a home...