That tiger is only partially housebroken ...

This post has been 'brewing' for a couple of weeks.  And recent events where I live brought it all into a focus that I hadn't had previously. 


A seven year old girl was abducted, raped and bludgeoned to death after being snatched between her apartment's playground and the apartment in which she lived.  A playground that is, mind you, in full and complete view of at least 50 residents.  A playground.  Full of children.  Most without supervision.  Because really, you expect that your child, of school age, is going to be safe a few steps from your door.  With other children present.   


As is the norm in Georgia - the first instinct is to persecute the parents.  What prior history of abuse or neglect, was this child alone frequently, did anyone notice the parents who may or may not have failed to 'watch' their children.  And you know what?  It's all not important.  Not in this situation - because there were 5 or 6 girls of the same age at that playground the moment that child disappeared.  The predator just took one.  A random one.  And whether or not the parents were watching, or cavalier in their attitude is not and should not be the concern.  You do not, as a parent, expect that an hour on the swings is dropping your child into the shark tank.  Yes, we all know that bad things happen, and can happen.  But none of us should be preventing our children from socialization and fun and play because of 'what could' happen.  


I say none of us.  Which brings up the next piece of this set of thoughts.  The reality is that some of us, because we were never protected in the smallest ways as children do always have that moment of pause, where the imagery and memories of being alone, being vulnerable, being 'hung out to dry' with no one to protect or cherish us; what can go wrong is the first thought.  


How do you overcome the blows to your psyche when those who should have protected you, should have kept the bogeyman away were the bogeyman.  Or at least complicit by leaving you there to be damaged, alone and unprotected?  How do you learn that everyone isn't that way? And, more importantly, how do you recover. 


See - I know what it is to not be protected. To not matter enough to those who should care, should have some concern where your well being and safety are endangered.  One turned a blind eye, one played the bogeyman for years.  


While the bogeyman went all maudlin and tried to 'apologize', the continued demeaning manner and dismissive approach, including abusive language and threatening gestures were far more representative of the 'real' reasons.  It is said that everyone has their 'come to Jesus' moment as the end is near, and when that end is not so palpable - it is situation normal.  Or whatever the 'new normal' in that mass of dysfunction has deteriorated to become.  


Yet, the one who failed to protect - has yet to even acknowledge a complicity in the mess that I was to become.  And, in some ways still am.  I don't believe in the 'apology' - for it won't rewrite history and years of ignoring, retaliatory acts or even the words spoken in anger.  But - it would be nice to see that they at least made the attempt to see where they were wrong. 


And I won't hold my breath.  


See - I realized that the only person in all of that family dynamic I can count on is myself.  I cannot necessarily overcome the pile of garbage that smashes down my esteem.  I can revel in the good things that are said and that I accomplish.  And I can learn.  Learn to control that  tiger that is buried within, who can fiercely protect hers.  And the "hers" is really not important to list - because like a cat, I have made a marking, a claiming on things that strike a chord with me. Things that are important to me.  And I shall, will and do defend it.


Sometimes that defense is all on me.  It's my feelings of impending loss or readjustment to the way I see things, the feeling that something is 'missing' and the desperate struggle to regain that which I thought I lost.  What I most often realize is that I never lost it in the first place - I just failed to see that things were changing.  And one day I woke up.  And panicked.  Thus started the scramble.  And the obsession with my role, my part in the change.  And you know what?  That sort of stuff is what sticks with you, and can colour the 'having' from that point forward.  Even when things are lost there is something that I learned.  I think.  I hope. 


Other times, I am just a tiger.  There is no thought involved, everything is running on pure instinct and reacting to all of the piles of stuff in the backroom of my life.  The pieces that most days I leave unexamined and sorted neatly into the piles it took years to create.  Reacting not being proactive.  Defensive and scared, backed into a corner and lashing out and forward.  Forgetting my boundaries, both physical and mental, and trying to take back something that may not have really been lost in the first place...just in case. 


It used to be the 'usual' reaction to all things.  Not even remotely attractive, and as I look back, I see just how much it hampered my life. Then, I learned about measured risk, and boundaries.  I learned that defensive and offensive are nothing more than saloon doors that allow all the good to slip out when you are otherwise occupied.  


And I haven't yet been able to totally control that tiger.  Some call it ego and superego and self esteem all roiling together for control. Control of reactions, actions and moods. Mine is now far more a paper tiger that is full of sparkly bits and dark shadows, not yet balanced but not so scary.  And, funnily enough, even less important to the who I am now, and the who I have yet to become than I ever thought possible.  


Is it because I acknowledge it that it has become less scary, less shameful to have and struggle with?  Or, has my growth and time spent sorting that backroom of psyche and 'what came before' into manageable piles of 'dealt with' and 'yet to touch' made my control much better?  I don't think I have an answer for that yet.  And maybe never.  Because that's how the gods work.  It's not important that you know the why, but that you can manage the what, and function in ever improving ways each day.